I’m feeling really good about myself today. My job is going surprising well, my relationship with my boyfriend and his family is better than ever, and I kind of feel like I have next to nothing to worry about right now. It’s an awesome feeling. I wouldn’t mind having sex more often (my sex drive is quite a bit larger than my boyfriend’s), but I’m trying to be patient and take what I can get right now. I would love to have sex two or three times a day, but right now I’ll settle for every other day or so, with some toy usage in between. That’s better than the once a week I was getting for a while when life was too stressful for him to have any desire for any sexual kind of anything.
I do really need to catch up on a ton of reviews, though, and I really need to start posting some of them here, considering that’s half of why I started this blog. I should be able to start reviewing again in a few days, which will also be awesome and make me feel even better. Hmm. I just realized this post is going to be really short and non-thesaurus-y. Is that a word? No? Well, it is now, dangit.
As I said in my last post, I started my new job today. Well, kind of, anyway. I just went in for a couple of hours to stock and do random stuff that needed doing, as the place doesn’t actually open to the public for another week or so. I haven’t even had orientation yet. But the point is that I’ve been stressing about starting this job for about two weeks, and now that I’ve actually gone in and met a few people and done a little work, I feel so much better. I was near tears over it earlier, and now I feel relieved and good about myself.
Now I can actually start making money. I can buy new clothes, new makeup, new whatever. I can take my boyfriend out and buy him things, as he’s been supporting me for over a year and deserves it — plus I promised him a $20 candy shopping spree with my first paycheck. I can save for a car (though that will take quite a while with these wages). A place of my own. A life. It’s a small step, getting this minimum wage job, but it’s a step in the right direction. Towards independence and higher self-esteem. I’m feeling pretty good right now.
Sometimes I really, really hate being as easily stressed out as I am. Well, actually, I always hate it.
Whenever I’m put into a new situation, I worry. No, I do more than that. I flip the fuck out. When I was younger and starting a new year at school, or even worse, a new year at a new school, I would worry about it for weeks. It would just be a little thing in the back of my mind at first. Then a couple of weeks from the first day of school, I’d start thinking about it more. Wishing time would slow down and I could just enjoy my freedom from stress. But instead, time would speed up, and suddenly it would be the day before school. I’d lie awake for hours that night, often crying, wishing I just wouldn’t wake up in the morning. But the morning would always come, of course, and I would feel almost flu-like symptoms, nausea, cramps, and so on, until the day was finally over and I had gotten back into the routine.
Today I start a new job. I haven’t worked in a little over a year due to various life-changing circumstances. This means I’m WAY out of any kind of routine. In fact, I’m pretty much out of the routine of seeing people in general, outside of my family, unless you include trips to the store or restaurants. I hate meeting new people — damn social anxiety — as new people contribute to most of my stress. I’m constantly in fear of them. I feel that new people will always judge me, make fun of me, and hurt me. They’ll always be smarter than me, richer than me, and know they’re better than me. So, as I start my new job in just a couple of hours and will be meeting new people in a new place, I’m flipping the fuck out.
I cried myself to sleep last night because I realized I didn’t have a shirt to wear to work today. All I’ll be doing is cleaning for an hour or two, but it doesn’t matter. I know that everyone else will be wearing the perfect clothes, doing a perfect job, while I will stand out like a sore, ugly thumb. I picture the scene in my mind over and over: I arrive, and everyone turns to look at me. I’m the last one to get there. Everyone just looks at me with contempt. They size me up, seeing how nervous and vulnerable I am, and they instantly turn their noses up at me. All of them are wearing clothes perfect for the job, bought from whatever fancy store they frequent that I could never afford. They all know each other already and view me as the new outsider. The hour goes by painfully slow and I never want to go back to that horrible place with those horrible people, but I know that I have to go back the next day anyway.
It’s really frustrating thinking this way. I don’t want to, but I can’t seem to help it. My heart speeds up with every minute that goes by, and I’m getting more and more nauseated. There’s nothing I can do about it, which makes it that much more intense. I feel like I’m backed into a corner. All over my new, minimum wage job. I really hope I get over this anxiety some day.
Yes? Right, then. Here we go.
After much debate with myself over whether or not I really have anything interesting to say, can get myself to sit down and write regularly, and can actually remember my login info (I’m terrible with memorizing that kind of stuff), I’ve decided to start a blog. What I’ll be writing about, I’m still figuring out. I suppose a good place to start would be to give you a little info about me.
- I am not much of a writer. I get terrible writer’s block quite easily, and I like to use a thesaurus like nobody’s business.
- I consider myself to be a reasonably boring person, with a
reasonably boringconsiderably bromidic life (see what I did there? That’s me using a Thesaurus. Amazing, I know).
- I am addicted to caffeine, but mostly soda. I’m trying to lose weight. I can’t stand diet soda. You see my predicament.
- I love weed. I would smoke that beautiful, life giving plant every single day if I could. Well, maybe not every day. I actually like having a clear head most of the time. But I still love it when I do it.
- I tend to ramble when I write, as you can plainly see.
- I am a complete sex fiend. I have a sex drive the size of… I don’t know, something really big… and I can be a bit hard to keep up with in that respect. Which is where sex toy reviewing comes in. Yes, this is likely to be another one of those “half random musings/half sex toy reviews” blogs, but what can I say? It’s my only real hobby, and I (mostly) love it. I promise to at least try to keep it interesting.
- My life can be a source of much drama, especially for someone who stresses as easily as me, which you’ll learn all about if you continue to read, I’m sure. I mean, writing about your personal life to the faceless masses can be quite therapeutic, or so I’ve heard. I guess we’ll see.
Yep. I think that’s about it. My next post may be more rambling about myself, or it may be a sex toy review. Or maybe it’ll be neither. Maybe I’ll just forget my login info after all. You gotta stick around to find out. Or, you know, check back here sometime later to find out. Whichever you prefer.